Begging for crumbs

I have had a rough week. One of those weeks where I try to be positive, perhaps even overly positive, and then by the end of the day I end up crashing.

So, tonight my tearfest happened on the staircase. I was heading up stairs and looked down at Gunther laying at the bottom of the stairs so peacefully and I just burst into tears. I have the kind of mind that often floods with thoughts. A beautiful mind if you will (although not quite schizophrenic beautiful like the movie A Beautiful Mind). At any given moment it’s hard to tell what thought might have caused an emotional reaction when there are so many thoughts running through my head.

I decided to sit down on the steps to take a moment. As I continued to look at Gunther, my eyeless diabetic dog who literally blindly follows me around the house all day, I thought of Jesus’ parable of the Canaanite Woman. (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2015:21-28&version=NIV)

I’m no theologian, and fully appreciate those who are. To me, as a lay person, I view the Bible as beautiful collection of stories whose meanings and depth continue to change as I grow and evolve. I have taken many different perspectives on this passage throughout my life.

To summarize the scripture for those of you who don’t want to read through the link provided above, a gentile woman begs Jesus to save her from her affliction. Jesus refuses and refuses eventually saying, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”

Jesus refers to her as a dog because she is not an Israeli.
The woman replies, “Yes it is, Lord. Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”

Upon hearing her witty response Jesus says, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.”

The story goes on to say that Jesus healed the woman of her affliction. Odd story, with a happy ending.

When I read this story as a teenager I thought it made Jesus seem like a huge prick. I mean seriously he called the woman a dog. He made her “beg.” Really Jesus? This doesn’t sound like the peaceful sheep herding Jesus we see in pictures. And it’s certainly not the “8 pound, 6 ounce, new born infant Jesus.”

I just don’t like to think of Jesus degrading anyone, so this parable always bothered me. I mean he called her a dog.

In my early 20s I found a deepened spiritual intimacy and my view of the passage changed. Instead of looking at Jesus’ comments to the woman, I started to focus on her comments to him. I started to focus on her faith and it became beautiful.

Here is this woman full of affliction, desperate for help, looking to a God who she sees as magnificent enough to view his crumbs and miraculous. In my early 20s I thought to myself, yes that’s the kind God I serve. One whose crumbs are enough to sustain me.

My mid- to-late 20s brought on some more challenging times and to be honest I haven’t thought about that passage in quite awhile.

Tonight as I sat crying on my steps, I felt overwhelmed. Here I am looking for work, trying to overcome the learning curve of married life, and desperately missing the steady flow of stories I used to write.

I stopped crying long enough to look at Gunther, my terror of a Jack Russell. Everyone knows Gunther and I have had our ups and downs. I came into his life about three years ago as Logan’s new girl friend and have now transitioned into his “mommy.”

As much as I view Gunther as a tremendous pain in the ass, I really love that little pup. I love him unconditionally with little expectations. (We expect him to go to the bathroom outside and limit his biting to just Logan and me.)

As I a looked at Gunther and thought of the parable of the Canaanite woman, I couldn’t help but wonder if God views me in the same way that I view Gunther- as a pain in the ass who She loves unconditionally regardless of my accomplishments. I’d like to think She does.

And when I feel down about my trials, those that are trivial and those that are not, it’s good to look around and identify the crumbs that God has left for me. It’s good count my blessings and know that regardless of my circumstances, life is good.